Sassy Molassy

Undone - The Sweater Song

2009-05-21T01:04:00.006-04:00

This is Such a Pity, Rivers... Say It Ain't So! Only In Dreams would I imagine this was the Perfect Situation for you - The Greatest Man That Ever Lived.

Maybe when We Were All on Drugs, this may have been something No Other One could wear. Maybe you ate way too many Pork and Beans, and couldn't find any pants that fit. Tell me I'm Dreamin'! Are you that Tired of Sex, that you feel the need to swaddle yourself in leopard print designed to keep you warm (perhaps on Holiday, or In The Garage). You do kind of look like a Butterfly. But please, please Getchoo some real clothes. Otherwise, Why Bother? Keep Fishin' - the fact that you are wearing a Snuggie in public is really taking your pop culture reference obsession to a new and disturbing level. Almost as bad as me writing this entire blog post in nothing but Weezer song titles, but not quite.

P.S. Thanks to the Fug Girls for the awesome picture

This might be excessive

2009-04-30T11:20:00.006-04:00

I'm always talking about how I'd like to make some comfy crotch pants. Especially jeans. Why jean makers decided you need a huge fabric seam right all up in your junk? It is not comfortable. Its just not.

But I stumbled across these on failblog.org

I think they went a bit overboard on these comfy crotch pants. You could smuggle a lot in that pouch. Maybe they are specially made diaper pants, so you have extra room for your "Oops I Crapped My Pants" ?

P.S. I would like to put a hit out on these pants, only I don't know where this picture originated from. Where in the world wide web do they sell these uglies?! If you can find out... I'll think of some sort of reward.

For your viewing pleasure ...

2008-04-10T14:07:00.003-04:00

Regretfully, these are no longer available at Topshop. You can however dream about all the wonderful things you could fit in those cinched pockets. Candy, dolla bills, kittens, tots, some of those magician scarf pull things. Or maybe you should leave them empty so when people ask you what they are for, you can let them see that they hold nothing and no, your hips haven't sprouted giant tumors .

Harem is another word for Hammer

2008-04-10T12:51:00.010-04:00

We have been suffering from the Gaucho pant trend for a while now. But we saw many a sorostitute roaming campus in the ill fitting, ass hugging, jersey monstrosities. Sure they are comfy. I get it. But why not choose a skirt? More ventilation, more movement, same level of comfort.And just when I thought that the madness was over ... I spotted some Harem pants in the Marc Jacobs Ready to Wear Spring 2007 collection. There are several different designs of harem pants making there debut, that's right multiple harem pants. Feel free to peruse the variety of harem pants in the collection here. But here are some of the stand outs.

But I just chalked it up to Marc being Marc. I didn't expect people to be running out and buying all the Marc Jacobs harem pants. As far as pants go I figured most people wanted something a bit more flattering. Something that didn't eat your legs and make even the skinniest model look fat while wearing them.

And then ... oh the horror ... Topshop has really gone and done it.
The page is titled "Can't Touch This". That's right people, they have proclaimed what we have known all along . Harem pants are really Hammer pants in disguise. Top Shop wants you to believe and I quote "Hareem trousers are the essential wardrobe staple this season". I'm guessing they mean wardrobe staple as in "your go-to easy bathroom access or extra diaper room pants". Every woman needs a pair of those.

Too Legit to Quit

Cheesus

2008-03-24T14:57:00.005-04:00

So keeping the Jesus theme going, a youth minister in Houston thinks he found them image of Christ in a Cheeto. (insert Britney joke here) Witty youth groupers have named it Cheesus. It looks like a poodle or a lion. But I don't see Jesus. I see some dirt under one of the person's nail. Gross. You can watch video of the Cheeto and its proud owner here.
Maybe it is one of those Magic eye posters that were big in the 90's and you have to sort of blur your vision and squint to get it.
Oh wait, is it like Jesus sitting sideways and he has one really short leg? I think it is more likely Lt. Dan from Forest Gump.
What do you think it looks like?

source: Dlisted.com

like jesus from the tomb

2008-03-24T14:53:00.003-04:00

this blog has been resurrected !

after a little winter hiatus we are back ...
more posts to follow

body guard or boob guard ?

2007-11-09T14:31:00.000-05:00

Forget about the tights, they don't bother me. What bothers me about this picture is how it looks a lot like LiLo's bodyguard is trying to grab a big handful...

image thanks to WENN

Oh Tai, that outfit is so like 12 years ago

2007-11-09T14:14:00.000-05:00

Seriously, where did Cher and Dionne go wrong? Did they not keep you updated on fashion trends past circa 1995? Did they not tell you that yes even though the 80's can be hip thou shalt not wear over the knee platform stripper boots with your rock tee and leather jacket. And this may sound way harsh but you look way fug. Do you prefer "fashion victim" or ensembly challenged"?

Tyra Banks show - vulva puppet NSFW

2007-11-09T13:34:00.000-05:00

Lucky for me I had Monday off and got to catch a very special episode of the Tyra Show entitled "What's Up With Down There". You got it people, a whole hour of Tyra taking about lady bits. Just what you have always wanted. Do not watch this video if talking about anatomy freaks you out but if you happen to be in the 87% or so of women who could not correctly label your labia, the Vagina/Vulva puppet is just the kind of learning tool that will scar you for life.

ok people ...

2007-11-09T13:26:00.000-05:00

It has been a while since our last post ... I admit
so now back from vacation, I give you this :
Thanks TMZ.com for the first good chuckle I've had all day.

a little goes a long way

2007-09-28T16:21:00.000-04:00

I love Dexter. It is one of my new favorite shows. There is one small thing that distracts me though. Sometimes Dexter (played by Michael C. Hall) has blue, white, pale lips. I'm not sure what to call this phenomenon. Maybe it is the make-up department's fault. Perhaps he just has really bad circulation in his mouth?But it really reminds me of a time in middle school when I got the wrong kind of Burt's Bees. I got the lifeguard kind, with sunscreen.
But I didn't realize that when you slathered it on it would turn your lips white. People laughed, I was embarrassed and then I threw it away because scary clown wasn't really the look I was going for.

Maybe that is what Dexter is going for. He does live in Miami. I'm all for taking care of your skin, but just a dab will do ya. So lay off it for a while so I can stop focusing on your lips and start focusing on the show.

pictures from TV.com and Amazon.com

The Man Whose Arms Exploded

2007-09-28T14:51:00.000-04:00

Carrot Top ... whoa... I mean holy kitchen cabinets Batman!

Maybe Simmer Down Now.
If Carrot Top doesn't take it easy, he could wind up like another infamous steroid abuser.
Greg Valentino - the man whose arms exploded.

P.S. Carrot Top your face is whacked. You should lay off the eyeliner and brow shadow as well.
P.S.S Forget why your nails are painted black. I just want to know why in the heck you have your name written on the pocket of your pants?

I can't resist. Just one more:

Britney should take notes.

2007-09-28T13:09:00.000-04:00

Evidently Rumer Willis recently had to be deloused! But, luckily her peach fuzz-esque hair seems to be growing in quite well. And it came back blonde!!!!

You always wanted to be fair haired I'm sure. You should be happy that you didn't loose your eyebrows. However, maybe you should think about having them lightened. That way it will not look like dark bristly flesh-eating caterpillars are attacking your face.

I am glad you chose to forgo the Britney extensions BTW. It probably saved you... ten dollars.

On earth people will pay to hear you scream

2007-09-27T17:57:00.001-04:00

After the Vigo post last week I was inspired to create a look alike of my own:

Amy Winehouse - singer songwriter or Alien - just one can kill seven. Everyone has been wondering why in the world Amy wears her hair like she does. Seriously, is it really that hard to imagine that Amy's hair is supported by a skull like this one:Mostly she comes out night. Mostly she does. I remember them teaching us about this in D.A.R.E.

Sorry Ripley, in space no one can hear you scream.

thanks PerezHilton.com for the pictures

You want to smell like what?????

2007-09-21T16:59:00.000-04:00

So a week or so ago I spotted this ad from Tom Ford's new perfume campaign:
Whoa! I said. That is risque. It's just amazing what we can get away with in advertising these days. It is a cologne for men. But apart from being "eye catching" (and that could be a good marketing ploy) I started thinking what this told me about the fragrance. Does it smell like sweaty/oily/glistening crotch? What are they trying to say about this product? Can it be used as a pleasure device in a pinch? And that bikini wax and photo shoot must have been a pain in the a$$ (pun intended).

But then I saw this product on TMZ yesterday and the what does it smell like got a little clearerSome people must really want to smell like vag... that seems a bit odd. And what does it really smell like I wonder? And how did they capture the essence of lady bits? So many questions. Trust me you have to be 18 and up to view the site but you can visit it here.
Turns out it is not a perfume. It is an "organic" product for you to smell and enjoy. Questions answered. gross.
for an actual olfactory showdown click here

oh marc

2007-09-20T14:46:00.000-04:00

Over the past several years I have found myself cursing you. Something along the lines of "dammit Marc Jacobs why do you have such cute stuff". I also find myself wishing you could adopt us and clothe us for the rest of our lives, or as long as we still look good in your clothes. However, after reviewing your Spring '08 accessories line I find myself recoiling from the monitor and wishing that it was all a bad dream.

I am baffled by the shoes. I almost think they are awesome but somehow I feel like I would end up with a broken foot or two trying to walk around in them. Some of the color combinations look better than others I admit. Surely we can assume that these were the result some sort of accident. Life with Marc would be as such- We would spend mornings bedazzling construction paper creations to wear out along with wearing our hearts on our nipples instead of our sleeves. Closer to the heart that way see?
We would have fabulous birthday parties and wear little hats. More bedazzled bugs.

Life would be re-imagined as a Dr. Suess book complete with Cindy Lou Who hair and head bobbles. And we would all get our Christmas presents and sing happy songs.

We got Marc Jacobs handbags from Santa! But then, much to our dismay, our handbags sprouted tumors which left us all horrified!

But at the end of it all we would reflect and the only expression we would be able to come up with would look something like this:

Don't get us wrong though, we would still totally take the clothes in a heartbeat.

Photos : nymag.com

Vigo, "Find me a child that I might live again" or Republican Candidate?

2007-09-17T23:46:00.000-04:00

I'm going to half to give it to the folks over at Best Week Ever this is one of the funniest things I've seen all week. Left: 2008 Presidential candidate Fred Thompson. Right: Vigo the Carpathian villain of Ghostbusters II.
Say Fred wins in '08 and I imagine that his speech would go something like this "On a mountain of skulls, in the castle of pain, I sat on a throne of blood! What was will be! What is will be no more! Now is the season of evil! Now let's cut taxes for rich television actors and interfere with women's reproductive freedom!"

The Cheerleader is single, The people rejoice

2007-09-13T15:48:00.000-04:00

Everyone's favorite cheerleader is single again. Us Weekly is reporting that Heroes star Hayden Panettiere and Stephen Colletti of One Tree Hill have broken up. The pair had been together for about a year. When asked where Stephen was at this past weekend's MTV Video Music Awards Hayden replied, "I don't know. In California?" Thankfully that statement was not their only evidence. Later, Panettiere said, "We are still very close friends and talk to each other frequently. We appreciate and support each other's careers." No reason was given for the split.

Let the rumor mill begin. The word is already that Hayden and Heroes costar 30 year old Milo Ventimiglia are seeing each other because sometimes they get a little "touchy". If we are just assuming based on being "touchy", does this mean that she will be linked to her Heroes dad Jack Coleman or costar Adrian Pasdar? Gee... they do look awfully close.

At only 18, maybe she should stick with a costar more of her own age...

Noah Gray-Cabey 12.

Pictures courtesy of Wireimage.com, NBC.com, and Buzznet

bad boots part 2

2007-08-31T12:33:00.000-04:00

Oh Britney... Sometimes I feel a little bad for you. With you having to be the subject of endless discussions of your ever-surprising ignorance, or the countless ruminations on how much of a nutjob you must be. Most recently how frickin terrible your new songs are. But I do have to wonder about this relationship you are having with your boots. Those brown ones with the heels and the stripe thingy at the top. The ones you wear almost every day whether they match or not. Case in point:I'll try to not give you a hard time about this dress because at least its covering your ass despite being see-throughish? I can't really tell. But those god awful cross between a cowboy boot and some round toe chunky heeled boots are a monstrosity! The only way I can feel bad for you in these boots after this little appearance is if you have a damn good excuse! And sorry doesn't cut it:

(Sorry readers, I should have added a a$$ shot disclaimer at the beginning of this post). Perhaps you had some horrible accident and now your legs are badly scarred below the knee. Maybe you spent too much time outside barefoot and got hundreds of icky bug bites on your legs that have lasted six months. Or maybe you have some serious disfigurement going on under those boots like elephantiasis? Maybe someone put super glue in the bottom of your boots while you were sleeping and now you have to live with the boots on for the rest of your days. Did those boots cost millions of dollars, and you're just trying to get your moneys worth? I would wear them everyday too if they did, and that would also explain why you can't afford dresses with enough fabric to cover your a$$.

Photos BIG photos and x17online

she is way excited to be wearing those boots

2007-08-27T23:16:00.000-04:00

I mean doesn't her expression just scream excitement? Really they must have given her a martini or two and paid her a ton of money to pose in that outfit. Her eyes are rolling back in her head from having to look at those psychedelic pair of pythons.

You know you want some. Good thing for her she didn't have to zip up the cat suit and model these:These might be a good addition to your sexy Catwoman Halloween costume but listen Victoria if I want to dress like a cheap hooker I won't be paying 100+ for some ugly ass shit kickers.(If the Patent Black isn't doing it for you they are also available in leopard print) I'll drive down to my local Priscilla's and pick up the cheaper, vinyl costume choice that I won't mind some drunk Batman spilling beer all over:

(Priscilla's "Lexi Boot")

Photos Victoria's Secret and Prscilla's

who thought of this!!!

2007-08-24T15:58:00.000-04:00

I've been on the look out for genius inventions to post here and I think this should be the first:
Say you are me and you only like brownie edges with vanilla ice cream because it ads some crunch and isn't too gooey... well now you can bake a whole pan of brownies and every single piece is an edge piece. No more elbowing to get your edge piece! Never again will you wallow in your ice cream/brownie mush slop. Only crisp edges and gooey well proportioned centers from now on... check it out here

dear us weekly

2007-08-22T11:55:00.000-04:00

Please excuse me letting this topic continue to slip by for way too long. The "Stars, They're Just Like Us" section of the magazine has always given me a chuckle. However don't you think that you are trying a little to hard? For instance"They shake out their towels!" Don't you think you are really reaching? I mean because stars don't shake out their beach towels. They fold them up and carry a gallon of sand home with them in their Mercedes and if they don't just pack it up I'm pretty sure they have a professional towel shaker to do the dirty work for them. Right? Can you really believe that stars would actually shake their beach towels... for shame!

Next week hopefully you can at least come up with something other than "they run errands" or "they buy in bulk"

If these walls could talk, they'd probably be screaming

2007-08-21T13:46:00.000-04:00

Please read below and then we shall dish.

August 21, 2007
Bronx Basement "Chamber of Horrors"

A strange incident in the Bronx: A city inspector went to the basement of 1912 Holland Avenue to check on a hot water heater, but he ended up contacting the police because he found a bizarre laboratory. 1010 WINS says that there were "viles of acid, formaldehyde and various bones and organs being preserved." Weird! More weird: The Post reports there were also "medical equipment and rubber stalactites." And then there's the "refrigerator that was storing blood."

The building had four apartments, two of which are vacant. One resident told the Post, "If these walls could talk, they'd probably be screaming" and NY1, "I saw some stuff in jars like some embryo stuff in jars and some skulls and like a lot of, like, medical stuff like nobody shouldn't have, like a hospital."

The building is owned by Barry Greene, who is currently in prison serving time for sodomy and sex abuse charges (he abused four Bronx children). It's unclear if the basement's contents belong to Greene, but the NYPD is investigating whether the bones, organs and all belong to animals and/or humans. But the building is in disrepair and Greene does face some violations.
*************************************************************************************

First off, my apologies for posting such a bizarre and disturbing post on our fun little carefree blog. But guess what people. This is life. And it's cold and hard and weird and bizarre. I actually take that back. Please don't buy into my fake cynicism. I was toying with the idea of being hard core and as the old saying goes, "If the shoes fits, wear it". Well shugs. The shoe didn't fit. So I am taking it off. This seems to be the case here lately. My feet keep expanding. I have a serious issue with swollen feet in the summertime dammit. LEAVE ME ALONE! I can't even remember where I was going with all of this. Oh yes, I am not terribly hard core. I am sticking with cheerful positivity thanks. HOWEVER, I do love gruesome shiz and this is some sicko shizz for realz!!! I freaking love that the writer of the article posted above actually used the exclamation "Weird!" in her post referring to the Jame Gumb style laboratory our homeboy had set up in his basement. I also love that the neighbor they interviewed uses the word "like" more than me. They either found the one valley girl in the Bronx or someone has a little case of the Tourette's. Also, what the heck does "like nobody shouldn't have" mean? Does that actually translate to everybody should have? I am so confused by that double-negetive I can't see straight. How the hell do those words even form to come out of someone's mouth? Like, I tried saying it outloud and my toungue automatically turned to concrete and fell out of my mouth. Seriously. Oh Barry Greene. I kind of understand why you executed the heinous acts listed above. If my neighbor was a retarded valley girl from the Bronx with Tourette's I might have done a lot worse.

fall trends

2007-08-17T16:45:00.000-04:00

So there is at least one trend every season that I can totally just not get behind. Say for instance ankle boots ... for one I'm not that tall and ankle boots are just like saying I have no real feet under here and my legs just end into short little stumps. Or maybe they translate to witch shoes or Louis the 14th's favorite pair of shoes to make him self "feel more like a man".

Some of you may look good in them but I'm thinking not so much for me. However ankle boots are waaaaaay more likely to become this years leggings (ie. trend I hated on and then could not get enough of because turns out they are the perfect way to cover chicken legs).

But this year it is the stringy fur look on everything from bags to skirts and this lovely little number from TopShop.

I'm thinking it might be the perfect thing to throw on and run around in the woods in and pretend to be a Yeti.

FeDOra or FeDON'Tra? You be the judge

2007-08-17T13:31:00.000-04:00

So what is the concensus on fedora's? Should they get the axe or should folks of all shapes, sizes and mental states continue rocking these hats with their sassy brims and enjoying the moderate shade they provide from the mid-day sun?
Example:

So a couple of well-known, fun loving and typically right on the money celebrity fashion blogging broads felt that this was not such a great look for old simpy simp. I, however, disagree. Since I am solely discussing the fedora and whether or not it should keep on rocking in the free world I am going to give Miss Ashlee credit where credit is due. The girl can rock a hat. I think it's because she has fairly angular features, a very pointy chin and an oblong face. Her head isn't lost in the hat and her face does stand out. Somehow, my description makes her visage sound less than appealing but I think she looks good. Yes, her hair is long and stringy and looks like she spent the last few days at the beach. But, just between you and me, I want that kind of hair so bad I would shave a lhasa apso and super glue it's fur to my skull.
Example 2:

Ok, so here is the good, the bad and the ugly. I'm sorry but it's hard to be fair with this girl. I just think Rumer Willis is soooo frucked up looking. Nothing is going to look good on her. No matter what. She too has a substantial, oblong face. But in a weird, cartoonish, moon looking way. I do love that dress. And her legs look awesome. However, a fedora is neither a dress nor a pair of legs. It's a head accessory. And naturally, since it is sitting atop her bizarre melon all focus goes straight to her frugliness. And, honey, as a woman you should know how to work your assets and hide your flaws. So, for next time, let me suggest this as a nice option for a head accessory:

spaced

2007-08-16T17:51:00.000-04:00

Spaced (from the same people who brought you Shaun of the Dead and Hott Fuzz) starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. Simon (Tim on the show) and Jessica Hynes (Daisy on the show and whom you may have seen in Shaun of the Dead or in a 2 part Dr. Who episode) Pose as a couple to rent an affordable flat. Crazy drunken landlady, tortured artist neighbor, Daisy's fashion loving club going best friend, and Tim's best friend gun enthusiast and member of the territorial army complete the ensemble.

British telly is some of the funniest out there. Agree? I'm not saying that I don't find some non-british shows quite funny (Family guy, The Simpsons, America's Next Top Model), but it is a totally different kind of funny. Plus in addition to laughing my ass off I can get quite caught up in the story line as well. Drama mixed with comedy is a GOOD thing (see The Office ...BBC). So today is not about me being funny. It is about the show being halarious. It might be hard to find but try downloading, searching for clips online and sometimes airing on Bravo.

thoughts on gwenny

2007-08-15T13:24:00.000-04:00

So I've seen pictures of Gwyneth Paltrow in this month's W magazine. Some of them aren't so bad. W has a way of creating unique and creative spreads that really freak me out. So when I saw the cover I wasn't surprised that Gwyneth looked like a man with stick on eyebrows. But I had to look at some of the inside pictures a little sideways because I'm afraid that if I look at them straight on, her seemingly mannequin body will jump through the page (being possessed by some demon of the fashion world) and attack me with her cane/plastic bendable legs, while trying to steal my soul so she can continue to live for eternity. Do not look directly into Gwyneth's eyes!